My darling Rory. It’s the first day of the new year. I am trying to fall asleep but either the stress of the day or the game I was playing on my phone just before bed has me too stimulated to sleep. The stress of course being family. I feel like I’ve reached a weird phase in life where I see the toxic patterns & unmet needs and it upsets me. As I lay here, I run through all the hard parts, sad bits, and hurtful people that have left me living feeling rejected, assumingely unwanted and full of shame for my existence. You know, all the things that you get to tell to a therapist to explain why you’re there. This, of course, invariably leads to thinking about my (our) failure to own a home that has left us moving every few years and me throwing out so many of my belongings that won’t fit in the next pod/van/etc. I start to wonder if I should prepare again by getting rid of the rugs rolled up on the closet. The rugs we bought for you. To prevent you from slipping and sliding as you haphazardly tore around through the house on a wild adventure of pure joy. I think of you waltzing into the kitchen, stopping on the rug and looking at me to see if I have any food to offer. You’re old in this memory. I immediately think of August 17^th and of you dying in my arms. My heart breaks again. I so wish I had reason to roll out those rugs again for you and to have you back zooming around the house. I miss your companionship. The house still just feels wrong. Sigh. Now I am definitely not falling asleep as tears roll down my face and I wonder about all the things I don’t understand about life.

This year, Lord willing, I hope to try to change/heal/improve some of my thought patterns stemming from my past. I wish you were here to process with me, to listen, to comfort as you instinctually just knew how to do. For tonight though, I will dry my tears and remember that I am already unconditionally loved by both your dad and my heavenly Father, my value and worth determined by Him who gave His life for me and that I can obtain no higher status than I already have as one of Christ’s own.